When we come into this plane of existence, we are faced with a problem. Where once we were free-floating transcendent-essence of the Devine, we are now embracing an energetic change into a human body. But we took on the challenges and we grew.
Eventually, we popped from the womb like an overripe pimple at the lightest squeeze; of course our mothers may not have seen it that way. All the sudden, we had new challenges to solve. We now needed air, but we solved it, we took a breath. Of course some zealous Dr. may have swatted us on the ass to inspire us [don’t know if they still do that or not], but one way or another, we solved the problem of needing air. Another problem was they cut our life line to food. Now we have to ingest it through the mouth, but lo, problem solved.
We came forth with many challenges, but we solved them all, well, at least in the beginning. We learned to stand erect and walk to reclaim at least some mobility. We learned to speak through our breath as a means of communication. We solved a myriad of problems, even as an infant.
One might question what we need to solve about our feelings, especially the happy ones, the ones of bliss, joy, peace, excitement and exuberance. But what we miss, is that even those tend to die. Why?
Often, as they pop up in the least convenient circumstances, we shove them down again, opting instead for diversions or entertainment, just to feel better. And the more adventurous of us, well, we go to a therapist, a support group, or just a bunch of our friends so we can gripe about the causation of such a horrible feeling.
If we are lucky we find validity in those feelings we share and march onward. Some even have a name for that sense of feeling better; it’s “baby steps,” or “taking off one layer of the onion at a time”. But the issue never goes away; it comes back so we can re-solve it, over, and over, and over.
And why would we do that? Because those hurt feelings, and our valiant onion peeling establishes our identity, our way of life,and our forgotten ability to solve problems. We have a choice though, we can re-solve our hurts, over and over, or we can resolve them. We will never do it though if we fear the pain and the hurt of going back to take a look at those feelings.
Our task toward resolution of our hurts begins in awareness of our resistance. If we feel the least bit of resistance, it’s time to start looking, looking hard. When we look at our hurt, that resistance is typically a hesitation to experience the hurt as a bad or undesirable feeling. The road leads us to acceptance in which we firstly need to accept that we feel hurt. But, it gets compounded with “blame” and we need to look at that.
Our experience of a scenario typically boils down to so-‘n-so did __________. Immediately we assume a blame factor, sometimes it’s toward them, but often in greater truth, it’s toward ourselves. Our verbiage becomes “I have a right to feel hurt because blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. And when we really get on a roll of feeling hurt, we impart language saying “I deserve better than that. Sound familiar?
That reversed blame factor, one of internalized causation usually pours forth as self-devaluation, self-denouncement. Language comes forth such as “I deserved to be __________ because I’m a bad ___________. [Fill in your own words; it’s important here that you own them.] It’s the battered wife syndrome, but anyone can be the victim regardless of gender or age.
Here is where we need to take a look at all the language centered on feeling hurt. In virtually every instance, we are inclined to justify why we feel hurt.
We do not need to justify our feelings, or our pains. Read that again.
We do not need to justify our feelings, or our pains.
As soon as we express ourselves in the why, virtually everyone is justifying themselves …
it’s also known as judgment.
Judgment is a natural outcropping of the human mind. In the beginning, it is our way of coping with all that we see before us; we pile all our observations and feelings into categories, good or bad. It is a way of making sense of them. There is nothing wrong with that, well, in the beginning anyway. Even on a Universal scale, the amoeba would seem to do the same thing; it swims away from undesirable habitat toward one that suits it. But there is a difference, the amoeba does not judge that environment, it simply discerns it.
When we justify ourselves, we are actually judging ourselves first, and then the other parties. A resolution of our feelings made of judgment will not last. The source will crop up again, and again, and again …
The conflict becomes the judgment and all its trimmings [lack of acceptance, rejection, power struggles et cetera.] The conflict keeps us at the onion layer currently solved and we will re-solve it yet again. There is only one way to resolve a hurt feeling. We need to see the truth of it in acceptance without judgment.
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Guru Jah here ...
Presuming that both people “care,” about the other, then to simply see the other person hurting over something can bring us to compassion.
Often, the source of a hurt has nothing to do with the offending party; it’s usually something carried forward that was not resolved earlier in life. Otherwise, there would be no onion, no baby steps; the issue would be resolved when it was due, not re-solved in the now.
Resolving a hurt feeling happens best when it is done immediately. That is huge part of our inherently problematic onion; as a child, our hurts were put aside or put down by others. In our dependency of those days, we were learning to trust [honor, love] others instead of following our own instincts to resolve issues. That learning period established our beliefs, our habits, even our attachments. Resolving hurt feelings gets left in the dust. They, the hurt feelings never go away; they are just covered in dust.
Regrettably, those unresolved experiences get tangled up with trust, respect, and even love. Until we unravel the mixture, that comingling simply creates other layers of resistance. If we are willing to look past those comingled attachments we can start to find the answers. We must though, be searching for truth, and be willing to surrender judgment. Judgment served us in the beginning as a tool of survival, but our growth demands surrender of that tool for a new tool, discernment.
As we begin to look at the past with discernment, we can see the players, and we can begin to understand where they were coming from [sometimes their own unresolved paradigms]. Discernment allows us to incorporate a different set of guiding principles. We can look at ourselves, and the other parties with recognition of those principles.
Virtually everything we do stems from our two basic needs, a sense of connection and a sense of self-expression. When we embrace those two guiding principles [in recognition as opposed to judgment], we can begin to see the driving forces behind everyone’s actions, our own included. The freeing aspect of this choice allows us to begin to see with acceptance and appreciation.
And were your experiences of your feelings painful? Yes, and that’s okay. It was [is] part of how you learned your needs, how to express them, and what needed to be accepted and appreciated. We accepted our need to breathe; we resolved it by taking a breath. We changed our belief of nurturance and the natural order. We may have even cried as a means of expressing our frustrations. In the first days of life, it was all Okay.
It is more than just Okay now, it is a necessity of growth and happiness. Our feelings were never meant to be questioned as a right of possession. They are automatically, unquestionably, ours to own.
Avoid the hurt and we avoid [diminish] our joy. Avoid the hurt and we cover over our true desires [resolving the hurt becomes our driving desire].
Resolving our hurt feelings frees our desires and leads to expressing our passion. And in that, is joy.
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Yet something went awry. As we grew through the years, it seems our desire to solve the wonders of being alive diminished. And of those wonders, we chose to ignore solving one of the most beautiful aspects of all … our feelings.
They die right along with our sense of awe and wonder as we experience hurt feelings; feelings of grief, sadness, remorse, guilt, shame, unaccepted anger, and more … so we detach from them all. Oh, some of us rally to the “lighter” or “feel-good” feelings for a while, but all rather superficially, it’s seldom a lasting feeling.
The reason is all those problems we failed to solve that were hurt feelings. So instead of being with a feeling, we learned to detach, even from those we want. The sad part of that, is that those hurt feelings will continue to fester and leave us depleted for the energies they consume.
They will continually invite us to solve them.
To solve anything, we had to look at it, we had to experience it. We had to experience needing air and accept taking a breath. We had to experience hunger and allow our bodies natural mechanisms to engage us to suckle. We found we could roll over, then crawl, and eventually we solved our desires to stand, walk, run and skip through life. We had to look at the “what is,” and, experience it before we could make a choice, only then could we solve it.
Ironically, when we remain in a state [mentality] of judgment, we are hardly ever inclined to see the other person; we are too busy judging ourselves and then them. If we claim to see them, it’s typically with a negative [bad] outlook. After all, “they” hurt you.
To discern only says, “yes, this is,” and nothing more. Based on the “what is” we can make a choice every bit as freely as the amoeba. Our choice of action may be to change our thoughts, [as beliefs or consciousness/awareness], or, the environment. Either way, it accepts “what is” real for everyone involved. Seeing what is real for ourselves, and another person, quite often resolves the hurt immediately as the action.
That action is acceptance.
Discernment only asks “What,” it never questions “Why.”
Appreciation resolves our feelings in many ways. Appreciation states what we gained by an experience that we may own that experience in a rewarding way. Appreciation of an offending party [honoring, accepting, really seeing them for who they are and what drove them] allows intimacy through trust. We become able to move to a state of compassion for that troubled being without judgment. That becomes huge …
Moving through acceptance and appreciation takes us beyond forgiveness into Love. Looking backward, we will see that there was nothing to forgive in the first place.