Blessings there and we thank you for your interest in these pages. What follows are notations absorbed from a two-hour workshop presentation by a Therapist named Christine. What she pointed out, immediately went click as true.
The primary premise arises from awareness of our Chakras as developmental stages of our life. Having examined similar premises before and finding some relevant truth in them, none have hit home as a broad Truth like this one does.
Premise: We live our lives based on our sexual maturity at the point we became stuck.
Presuming that you are still reading this, we’ll take you through understanding it.
Our sexuality resides in our 2nd Chakra along with our Universal Life Force, our Power, our Passion, and our Creativity; they express through our Interpersonal Relationships including money. While none of the Chakras are stand-alone energy centers, this 2nd Chakra directs our lives in virtually everything we do. Beyond a sense of Trust established in the 1st Chakra as based on our ability for Survival and sense of Connection, the 2nd Chakra reigns supreme.
To help understand its power, we simply need to look at its name: Swadhisthana.
Its meaning: Self-abode, Self most directly translated in the West as Soul, but more deeply translated as Spirit [or Divine Essence].
All the aspects then of our 2nd Chakra are a manifestation of our True Self as altered by our experiences in our growing [maturing]. That is powerful in and of itself, but our sexual expression is the most powerful aspect expression of all. It involves all the attributes of the 2nd Chakra, Life Force, Power, Creation, and Passion, all played out in our interpersonal relationships.
Normally, or maybe more accurately historically, the 2nd Chakra is considered to have fully developed by age 14. Full development does not mean Matured, but rather that our base outlooks and inclinations of expression are established. Maturation takes all those experiences incurred, carries them forward, and applies them in our life; maturation is the process of going from A to Z. Thus, for starters, we must look at sexual messages we absorbed through those developing years, and, where we may have become stuck.
What we must realize is that those developing years happen with the scope of understanding, or mindset, as held by a child of various ages; it’s a progression.
The sad reality of becoming stuck is that it most often happens through abuse or trauma. What we as an adult might not think of as a big deal [abuse or trauma] will be seen by a child very differently. When we say, “stuck,” what we are saying is that our global outlook and repetitive experiences in life now, will match our global outlook or experiences in life at the time they occurred as sexual abuse or trauma, and, with the coping mechanism mindset of the child at that age.
In her workshop, Christine related an example of how one of her clients came forth for therapy because they were experiencing excessive financial problems. When she worked with that client, what she found was that they were handling their monetary affairs with the mindset of an adolescent child. That mindset was exactly the age of her client at the time they experienced sexual trauma.
When I relayed and explained this concept to a Dear Love of mine whom had been repetitively raped at about the age of 14-15, she got it almost immediately. She recognized the feelings of being horrifically out of control in affairs of her life and money now as exactly the same feelings, with virtually the same impact, of being out of control during the rapes. [Those rapes had been a repressed memory for over 25 years.]
Her coping skills and her outlook of being experientially out of control in her life Now, match her coping skills and reactions to her life then.
As I reflect on this premise for myself, it reveals a lot. To relate my “stuck” experience of sexual trauma, an excerpt from my book, “The Hopeless Romantic: In Poetic Voice” follows. [Link opens in a new widow]
Kristy Johnston, you sat upon my lap in pure innocence that only a six year old could. We had sunny days at recess on the schoolyard wall by the playground; that was our sacred space. Your little sister came by just to be there, just to drink in the joy we shared. You eventually even took me home to meet your parents; we were getting quite serious you know. I remember those days with smiles upon my face and joy in my heart.
I remember sitting on the floor in my bedroom, making you that necklace of candy beads as a gift. I remember you happily wearing it. But then came the loss of our innocence, the loss of love shared. That older fat girl, I remember her too; the one that ripped that necklace from your neck. Her words so long ago escape me now, but that’s just as well. Though I scrambled to collect all those scattered beads, they could never be the same.
It was her anger in jealousy that changed my world; I saw then the human horror. Somewhere after that day, I lost you Kristy; I lost innocence, I lost the experience of love. Had the fat girl never come by, I can only wonder what further impact you might have had on my life. But now, these many decades later, I can at least say thank you Kristy, your innocent love was a joy in that time and space; you touched me deeply.
So note the first sentence in the last paragraph: “It was her anger in jealousy that changed my world; I saw then the human horror.” It may help to be aware that my age at that time was only about a month after having turned five.
And if you question was that really a sexual trauma? You bet your ass it was! For a five year old, enraptured in a sense of joyful love, Kristy sitting on my lap, and my arms around her, was a sexually physical expression of love as understood by a five year old. In those days it never occurred to me that it was sexual; I’m not even sure that the word sex was in my vocabulary. That experience though was a natural part of my developing sexual maturity within my 2nd Chakra.
“Changed my world?” It did. Up until that time, I can tap into myself as exceedingly happy, joyful, deeply connected to other kids, and appreciative of life. But as a five year old, my only coping mechanism was to collapse within myself; I had no interactive support to grieve that experience; it was just me, quite alone, quite alienated. We call that depression. I was trapped in world of human horror and no longer able to express that joyful, loving me with any appreciable sense of human connection. “I lost innocence; I lost the experience of love.” For me, as a five year old, my world, my life, had been raped.
Of course as I’ve gone through this awakening of Truth upon my being, my adult mind questions that I be psychotic or at least over dramatic. But that part of me was a five year old, not the adult that is writing this.
Though I continued to attempt reconciliation of that day, at virtually every turn, it collapsed only to confirm my experience and drive it deeper.
Through ensuing decades, constant reoccurrences of depression plagued my life until my consciousness shifted in Awakening; twice I had stood in the threshold of suicide. Even now, I experience small occasions of depression but they are minimal and dissipate quickly.
My coping skill was stuck for decades.
My sense of connection with the human aspects of humanity has not shifted much at all. I still see and experience the horror. What makes it worse is my elevated capacity of empathy; I can experience those horrors as though they are my own down to minute details. Broadly, I have to shield myself to keep from owning them as my own, but I still feel them and even see them all too easily. Worse yet, that very act of shielding instills an energetic blockage, a trapped feeling that limits that which I know in openness as shared Love. Feeling spiritually trapped is still depression; it is Spiritual Depression.
My life remains predominately lived alone though I continually search for that sense of human connection. It comes before me to share in bits and pieces. But in greater truth, people come to me for a sense of spiritual connection, one they struggle to achieve on their own. They embrace it for as long as they need it, and then they go away.
My coping skills and worldview to date, remain stuck.
A driving force within me is to reconnect with that younger me in a way that I experience love as I knew it then. Yet, marital partnerships through decades of life have never been fulfilling. Love. Love in innocence, trusting, accepting, no limits, ne expectations, and no boundaries, fully open and experiential, shared as a sense of One. That too is now compounded by my own spiritual consciousness, the gift of Love through Divine Grace. I struggle to bring that into balance, the innocence of a five-year-old child and the vastness of Love as a Divine Being, somehow lived and experienced in life.
My coping skills and worldview to date, as a driving force, remain stuck.
That fat girl, I have struggled long and hard to release that stigma from overweight people, but I often experience a kneejerk reaction none the less. Worse yet, I can see, feel, and know why various people are fat, and their pain of causation lies heavy upon me.
That energy to date, remains stuck.
Another aspect that has occurred to me only today, several days after beginning this writing, is my relationship to money. Though I have immense understanding of it and working with it, beyond my survival needs, wealth is as elusive as love and a sense of connection with humanity.
Coping skills and worldview to date, stuck.
As I reach back to touch my childhood, that one-month or so of my first grade experience was the happiest time of my life. It was my first immersion with kids near my own age. In that window of bliss, I suspect I might have even understood the word “fun;” to this very day, that word grates upon my ears as false and empty. From that fateful day onward, my memory of life as a child is a blur. That blur is mostly speckled with experiences of the human horror and confusion; that confusion was always, “Why?”
Oddly, in another workshop by a different facilitator on the same day, all before this really sank in, an exercise had taken me closer to that speckled blur. The workshop was about ecstatic physical sensation. But they included and exercise to get in touch with the joy of our childhood at the age of eight, suggesting that we then move about in that sense of joy. I couldn’t even make an association to myself at that age, but recalled a photograph of myself from about that time.
It shook me hard, all I could see was the devastation expressed in the eyes. And now I question, how could no one else have seen that? How can people be so blind? How could no one have cared enough to help a devastated child? How could no one have cared enough to help me?
It is amazing to me as I write this page that I had never realized my own need to grieve that day, that loss. I had obviously been aware of the ramifications, but I never grieved it toward healing it. I had failed to understand that need for myself. I had simply dismissed it as “what was.” At least now, the process has begun. I can laugh at the number of tissues I’m using in a river of tears that seem unending.
Though I must let that river flow until it’s dry, I am already becoming cognizant of the forgiving process I need to embrace, that of acceptance and appreciation. I see before me the players in need of forgiveness, the fat girl, my parents, teachers on the playground, other kids on that playground, Kristy, and even myself. Moreover, I’m already beginning to see the appreciations. Although I would wish that unnecessary hell of my continued life experience on no one, I’m seeing glimpses of how it served me well.
Quite simplistically, albeit pragmatic, I would not be where I am today if that had not happened.
Perhaps that experience truly augmented the depth of my Divine Connection by suffering the human connection. That is the way of the Universe; it is the “ordeal” of darkness into which we must fall before we can see the light.
I find myself gifted to see and be so fully aware of the human horror, thus more able to help others through it. The human horror, the great hurts that people suffer unto one another. The lies, the cruelty, the rejection, self-absorption, manipulation, greed, suppression, shame, and yes, sexual abuse, these are horrors I see. The list could on by many names. The worst horror of it all though, is the internalized damage I see upon and within the people suffered by it all, even that older fat girl.
By my experience of Love shattered on the humanly experiential realm, I’ve been able to retain memory of Love that only a five year old in full innocence can embrace. Thus now coupled with fuller embodiment of Divine Love, perhaps I can bring that understanding to the world. Maybe, just maybe I can truly help [at least some] people to get it, to understand it, and begin to embrace that wonderful gift of Love for themselves.
I have certainly developed an inner strength, independence, and trust of myself. I’m not sure how that developed, but it did. Then again, perhaps this experience is that small chip of my soul still missing. Recovering that would be nice. .
It’ll be interesting to see that appreciations list grow and develop as I really go through the process. So thank you Christine. Even though the descriptor made no sense for my presence, with its infinite guidance the Universe had led me to your workshop. I see now how this will aid my desired full integration of my Divine Essence, and my humanness. This is a huge leap in that direction.
During sexual maturation, our loss of innocence in sexual trauma can have far-reaching and devastating effects on our lives. Never underestimate the consciousness of a child. And most of all, be there for them, with them. Help them grieve and heal that wound.
Abuse or trauma can be so subtle, that we miss the connection. We invite you to visit Sexual Maturity II for exploration of those messages to which we are subject. It all reaches further than we might ever imagine.