Trusting the inner sexual Self-consciousness of a child.
What follows is strictly based on my personal consciousness through the maturing years. My supposition is that given freedom of experience, a child will not naturally over extend their sexual exposure in an unhealthy manner.
Unless a child is otherwise skewed sexually or stuck by trauma, chances are that they will properly follow their own inner guidance system for developing their 2nd Chakra maturation. They will do everything as is right for them at their stages of development. [And yes, this supposition is made despite my “stuck” traumatic experience as a five year old.]
During Christine’s workshop, she asked about our first sexual memory. [She was heading for that our first sexual experience was self-discovery in the crib, but had not yet mentioned it.] It took me a moment to put her current question into perspective. I had never thought of what follows as a sexual experience, but in truth, it was.
My first memory of a sexual experience was at about age three. I was lying on the bed next to my mother’s exposed breasts as she was feeding my little brother and I was playing with the breast not in use. I don’t remember how long this session transpired, but what I do remember loud and clear, was my own voice in my head. “This isn’t right.” I immediately got up and left the bedroom.
I don’t recall if she had invited me to play that way. I don’t recall any rebuke of my behavior. I can’t find any negative stigma around this occasion what-so-ever. But I have always been amazed that my own internal guidance system said this activity didn’t match the relationship. It felt weird enough, that I recognized that truth, and left. Furthermore, since neither my activity nor my leaving drew objection from an authority figure, I felt empowered to follow that gut feeling. That’s powerful.
My next experience is an interesting twist in reverse. In my attempted reconciliation of my five-year-old trauma, I had befriended a younger neighbor girl and we played together on occasion. I was now six years old. She had brought over a tea serving set and we were playing “house.” Eventually we decided to go to bed as part of our vision of a normal “house” [grownup mommy daddy] experience. So we took off our clothes and crawled under a blanket. The twist? There was not an ounce of 2nd Chakra energy in the actions or intentions.
There was nothing sexual about our playing together; no touching or physical exploration, no affection, nothing but our assuming the roles of mommy and daddy as we understood them. The nakedness, well, it was all matter of fact because of course, that’s what you do when you go to bed. We had laid there for a whopping one to two minutes if that, completely bored with the whole process even worse than drinking invisible tea. We got up and cleaned dishes [that were of course clean anyway].
So naturally, as she tells her parents of what a great time she had, her parents call the school, which in turn called me into the Principal’s office, and, called my dad. So on one hand, bravo the parent’s concern; I might have been a weirdo. Personally, I would have visited the parent in person and skipped over the school, but fears can run deep. The Principal did not discipline me, but I did feel implications that I was supposed to be feeling wrong or ashamed. That would come later …
That evening, my father took me to a local restaurant that served a favored hot apple turnover alamode. Bless his heart, he was trying to be nice as he explored his parental role. But what happened was, he used the opening approach [midstream of my first bite of that delicious desert], “The school Principal called me today. Blah-blah-blah.” He had “told” me instead of asking me, thus disempowering and subjugating me. What happened was a flood of shame totally spoiling any possibility of enjoying that desert.
But what occurred to me as I sat there, despite the overwhelming flood of imposed shame, was that this shame was not mine. My own internal consciousness prevailed; I had done nothing that wasn’t right. It was all in the minds of the authority figures that had confronted me. Neither of them had been the assholes they could have been and since there were no repercussion, they at least had accepted my side of the story. But what was missed was seeing my visions and then helping me to see how to navigate and understand the world around me. All that really happened was further alienation and confusion on the never-ending “Why?” My inner Self-consciousness was fine; it was alive, alert, and working.
What struck me though, were the energies I saw. She had proceeded as though she was told to, as though an obligation; she seemed riddled with embarrassment and shame. I don’t remember if I touched her or not which may just be my ego protecting my self-identity. It doesn’t really matter. But I do remember my inner Self-consciousness kicking in much like it did with my mother, “This isn’t a right relationship even for her.” Yes, that latter concept was in full awareness even at the age of seven. I didn’t understand a “right” relationship as an adult would, but I understood that this wasn’t it. With Kristy Johnston, rightness was never a question.
Through continued years of depression, sexual exposure did not resurface until I was thirteen. During the preceding summer, I had worked picking strawberries and developed a relationship with the field-bosses daughter, Sandy. That relationship continued past the strawberry-picking season. Now we entered our freshman year in high school; she was a year older than I, part of the phenomenon of my skipping kindergarten and starting first grade a year early.
It would be about another six months, my age now eighteen, before copulation actually happened in that relationship. Actually, it was she that imparted the act, but I chose to accept it. And of course, the eventual pregnancy marked a whole new direction in life. But at least, I was now more ready [albeit not well ready] to embrace those challenges. Had that occurred any sooner, well …
By my own sexual inner Self-consciousness, I had made it to a modestly viable age of coping with the repercussions of sexual expression. The point of sharing this perspective is to bring home the importance of all those sexual messages that bombard us. It’s not that I was immune by any means. But despite my “stuck” trauma, further sexual 2nd Chakra messages were not enough to tip me over the edge into an unnatural sexual maturation.
As for the repercussions of the “stuck” maturation points, yes, I need to continue working on those, but the work has begun. I was afforded the opportunity to see, feel, experience, and understand that trauma. We cannot typically heal what we cannot see or understand.
The invitation to you the reader has two main interests.
The first interest is to look for “stuck points” within yourself and children. See them, experience them, and heal them. It will change the rest of one’s life by how truly that is done.
The second interest is to raise your consciousness in awareness to messages and attitudes that create “stuck points” or retard natural 2nd Chakra maturation. Until we, everyone, does that, sexual expression will remain a planetary devastation. That devastation rules our lives. We, one by one, can change that.
• We live our lives based on our sexual maturity at the point we became stuck.
• When we say, “stuck,” what we are saying is that our global outlook and repetitive experiences in life now, will match our global outlook or experiences in life at the time they occurred as sexual abuse or trauma, and, with the coping mechanism mindset of the child at that age.
• Our sexual expression involves all the 2nd Chakra attributes of Life Force, Power, Creation, and Passion, all played out in our interpersonal relationships [including money] and it is the most powerful aspect of all.
• Sexual abuse and trauma can be so subtle, that we miss the connection to it being sexual at all.
• We must realize that a child receives sexual messages at every age, even in the womb.
• Never underestimate the consciousness of a child at any age.
• Some of our sexual messages come through the back door of life.
• We need to address every sexual experience of a child from their level of experience and understanding.
• One rule of thumb prevails, by embracing the incident on a child’s level, as a very natural part of maturing, without presenting any authority over the child, you will relieve most of any concerns.
• By checking in with kid on their level, and how they are feeling, your guts will tell you how to engage virtually anything.
• During the maturation phase of the 2nd Chakra, a kid can become stuck anywhere that they incur sexual trauma, even if it’s not outright abuse.
• Given freedom of experience, a child will not naturally over extend their sexual exposure in an unhealthy manner.
• Telling a child instead of asking, disempowers and subjugates them. Our objective is to see their visions and then help that child see how to navigate and understand the world around them. A child needs a sense of autonomy over the maturation of their 2nd Chakra development.
Our relationship had embraced “making-out” to which her mother commented aloud about Sandy, “You’re panting like a dog in heat,” but it all seemed okay. Well, if one could get past her love of peanut butter and dill pickle sandwiches topped by failing to brush her teeth afterward. “Making-out” in those days represented kissing to me. But Sandy took it a step further, she eventually took my hand and began rubbing it on her breast.
My first reaction was really about how lumpy it was, but immediately shifted to, “Touching you this way just doesn’t feel right;” I stopped, and left for the day. I did think about the relationship for a day or two and it just felt wrong; I broke it off. My sexual inner Self-consciousness prevailed. I refused sexual interaction offered to me.
Though other minor sexual encounters occurred through ensuing years, it was not until I was seventeen that my sexual inner Self-consciousness was called to the forefront. At age seventeen during my last year in high school a relationship established that afforded further sexual exploration. Initial months were lightweight petting, from my memory, it was me exploring her.
Come the summer after graduation, we had the occasion to be alone in her house for a knowable extended period. We engaged full force to total nudity on her living room floor. After satisfaction of the exploration and gratification of sexual passion, we sat there and talked about it. In that conversation, I turned to her and said, “You know I could have fucked you.” In other words, we did not copulate. My sexual inner Self-consciousness had prevailed again.
That inner Self-consciousness proved out again only a year later. Now I had engaged friendships of older teenagers. Of course they led me to smoking and other displaced behaviors, but the one that stopped the interactive relationship was sex. They had brought before me [hooked me up with] a teenage girl defined as “retarded.” Their story was that she liked to have her breasts played with. Sure enough, she came to visit and in the seclusion of my back yard, she unbuttoned her blouse.
Thank you for reading these pages and Blessings on the Work before you. It is big, but worth every bit of it.
Guru Jah here ...
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